Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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