Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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