A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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