this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
