wat bout pragnant strippers??
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
