I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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