She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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