man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
