Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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