every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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