No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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