1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
