Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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