I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
