??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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