He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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