dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
