i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize