who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
