I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize