She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
