how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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