I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize