I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
