why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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