Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
