so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
