i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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