just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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