Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
