Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
