I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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