I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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