I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
