Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
