apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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