After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
