I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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