her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
