Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
