I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
