if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
