my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
