I think scott just propositioned me for sex
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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