is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
