Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
