i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
