you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
