My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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