Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
