I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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