Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pants are for mortals
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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