I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
