if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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