Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
