so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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