How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize