from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
