I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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