i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
