i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
