I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
