cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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