btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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