i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize