I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
