I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
