Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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