It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize