We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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