I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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