I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
is it fun? or sober?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
