Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
